|"Hope Escaping" by Cynthia Lott Vogel|
I suddenly realized that this heavy sense of dread was one that I lived with and walked with and wore like a thousand pound noose about my neck for a good (or I should say "a horrific") fifteen years, from approximately age 15 to 30...I was burdened and choked by this familiar phantom of cloying despair.
And it has been gone --only appearing in random instances of depression or psychosis--since then. So WHY am I dealing with this now?? I realize suddenly: it's because I'm undergoing a medication adjustment. And it was this realization that made me stop and think: This sense of hopelessness I'm feeling is not the reality of how things stand. It is a symptom of my illness. It can be vanquished chemically; therefore it is not the tangible opponent that it seems to be at this moment. Yet, still I know that this "symptom" must be dealt with quickly, because the profundity of the despair that I felt tonight is not one that can be carried or survived for very long.