Chris Tomlin O Come all Ye Faithful

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Insanity Report

I know that some of  you friends are worried about me.  Sometimes I even worry myself.  I've been in a bad place-- which is probably obvious if you've frequented this blog over a period of time and then compared my "normal" with my "recent" posts. Not good.  I'm having many hallucinations, "delusional thinking" -which to me is about five or six persistent ideas which are DRIVING ME NUTS...fearful ideas.  Terrible ideas....which I'm certain are true and happening.  And which everyone assures me, are crazy.  I've been horribly paranoid.  As I've stated before, paranoia is not a fun symptom. NOT only is it complete misery to experience....It is laughable to everyone else.  So not only are you a fearful object of everyone's suspicion and derision, you are a RIDICULOUS object of our suspicion and completely gut-busting object of  our mockery...NOT fun. Not fun at all.

And  I've been having panic attacks....spawned by paranoia.  spawned by paranoid delusions.  spawned by paranoid hallucinations which supplement and validate paranoid delusions.  so you see.  it is quite a mess.  a mess which my pdoc assures me, must be dealt with by a hospital admission...to keep me in a "safe" place while they completely revamp my medications.  Now this idea is disturbing for a plethora of reasons. 1) the hospital sucks.  even on a good, completely sane day.  sucks.
2)  the hospital, when one is paranoid is a living breathing hell. complete with one way mirrors, observation cameras and guards with big jangly bunches of keys.  And a buzzer just ITCHING to go off at any slight urge of mine to create a commotion...which brings scores of men with muscles and years of training on wrestling teams and owners of black belts in numerous martial arts disciplines.. NO match at all for an overweight, middle aged creaking body which HURTS even in repose---which develops superhuman strength and imperviousness to pain when fueled by fear and psychotic rage.  Believe me.  I've sent some of these guys home from work in disability.  Don't ask me how.  But I have.

So do I even want to GO there???
NO.
Not on your life.

And it especially terrifies the bejeebers out of me because on my last admission, i was a hair away from a life long one way ticket to a state hospital.  Not any state hospital...But the one state hospital so well known for its hideous conditions that its very name struck terror into me, a non-resident of the state of New Jersey...even I, from two states away, recognized the name as a place of horrific conditions and brutal guards.  Yikes.  do I want to tempt my fate and test my luck by going BACK there, messing with  my medications, possibly going COMPLETELY off the deep-end. and [[cough.]] Never Ever Coming Back???? No.  Not  on your sweet bippy.

So, sweet Dr. pDoc, what if I just stay here, safe and sound in my own home?  (except not safe.  and by no means "sound")  Well, sweet cynthia, you just MIGHT go completely off the deepend...get lost in one of the horror chambers in your own head...and Never Come Back from there either.

so there.

so basically, either is s a risk.   either is uncomfortable.  either is an all or nothing gamble.

I think I'm just agonna stay right 'cheer. thanks.  At least my own bed is comfy.  and I have a nice warm kitty to sleep on my feet at night.

NOPE.  If they want me to go there...it will not be a pretty sight...but will be replete with kicking and screaming, restraints, men in uniforms and injections in the thigh.  Do I sound like a pro? Like someone who'se "been there; done that"?
good.
cuz i have.

And I did.



(****note, addendum,post script, explanation:
I sound all belligerent.  and mocking.  and like somehow this trip down the rabbit hole is amusing me.  I know.  but it's not at all how i feel.  I just had to make it sound that way so that I didn;t start blubbering..and having you get all drippy over your keyboards...................................................................................................................just so you know..)





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