Phil Wickham When My Heart is Torn Asunder

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Crumbling--And Holding Fast


The following is a letter I wrote to my friend (and frequent commenter here on Treasures, Caryn.)
I don't feel that I can describe what is going on much more adequately than I did here...
and she gave her permission to use this letter here.  So here goes Nothin'  :
Hi Caryn,

I'm really really struggling.  Have had periods of intense paranoia around three ideas or four wihch I guess could be called "delusional" although at the times of struggle, seem completely logical , powerful and distressing.  These ideas are getting worse and worse, often taking away entire nights of sleep when I'm all alone and struggling immensely not to completely lose it to the fear that these ideas stir up in me.
 
I know that "Perfect love casts out all fear."
But these thoughts seem to be impervious to that verse.   I finally called my pdoc (psychiatrist) last Friday and she just called me back today.  After a night of complete hell.  This computer virus situation has completely been my undoing.  Even though the virus was solved.  EVen though my computer was completely wiped clean and I lost every bit of data on it.  The malevolent being who put it there in the first place is not done with me and is screwing with all of my internet accounts and I cant' make a move without them knowing about it.  It's a horrible horrible feeling...even if I stay away from my computer , everything around me gets tied into these thoughts...

I'm even seeing things which are corroborating these ides.  This is hell.  It hasn't been this bad or this all encompassing for many many years. The only thing that helps a bit is to put headphones on to try to drown out the footsteps crunching around on the ground outside my bedroom window,.,or the voices saying my name over and over....

Please just pray for me...I don't know why Satan is trying so hard to get to me now...I'm not much of a threat to him.
I'd like to describe a little bit of this junk on my blog but am not sure I can.  May I copy my portion of this letter onto the blog?  Let me know ASAP.  Thanks.
Cynthia


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