I've been having a great quandary lately...My health is deteriorating at an alarming rate...It seems like daily there is a new problem . And they do not on the surface, appear to be related. I know that this is a source of great bewilderment to my friends at church. They wonder, "How can so many things be wrong with her?" I've even stopped updating the prayer chain on the "latest"...It's just too embarrassing. And I know that they do not understand the medical explanation of it; which is simply: It's all ONE thing ! Every single problem that I have is due to one root cause: I have a severely messed up immune system.
My body is its own worst enemy: or it thinks it is anyway! My immune system is confused...and thinks that my own cells are invading bacteria and so my immune system is attacking my own cells rather than those bacteria it should be attacking. My cells are destroying each of my systems one by one. They have attacked the ones in the lungs (thus; the asthma)...they are attacking the ones in my cartilege and synovial linings (thus the arthritis)...they are attacking my spine (the A.S)...They do NOT do the job they are supposed to be doing against infection and bactieria (thus my many illnesses such as pneumonia, endocarditis and cerebral/spinal meningitis etc).
And many of my "smaller" issues-such as anemia- even my hearing loss, are very common to RA and PA. And every other "little" thing is either due to nerve damage from the meningitis or is the result of the TREATMENTs given to me to treat the other illnesses (the memory loss, the muscle weakness....). So it all makes complete sense...and at the same time is a medical trainwreck....
All that was the background you need to know for the real point of this post which is coming...now.
As I said, my body is quickly self-destructing. No doctor has sat me down and said, "Look, you are not going to have a normal life span." But it is pretty much quietly understood that all it would take is one good infection. (or bad infection, depending on how you look at it :) ), or one bad fall to fracture my perilous cervical spine... or one big asthma attack...or one strained blood vessel to burst from my massively out-of-control hypertension...and that would be all she wrote. I've been walking a tight rope for a while now...and the rope is getting thinner and thinner and I would say now: I'm walking a spider web. I've dared Death and stared it in the face numerous times already in the past ten years...And thus far God has yanked me back from the edge and saved my butt...JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.
I've often wondered what it is that keeps Him from letting me come to His Kingdom...Am I not ready? Is there something still for me to accomplish or experience here on earth?? (But that is a whole other blog post....)
My question really is: at what point do I say, "Enough is enough." I'm really ready and willing to go. I'm in so much pain that I think of Heaven almost constantly. So Enough doctor appointments. Enough tests. Enough procedures. Just. Enough. Let the outcome rest in God's hands.
This week I had a lot of dizziness and double vision. Which I really think is the result of my newest blood pressure medicine. And my doctor's office insisted I come in for a visit. And also go and visit the neurologist. And the nurse from the insurance company is insisting I go to the ER every time I turn around. So I let the nurse make the appointment with the covering doc (mine was on vacation)...and then I called up several hours later and canceled the appointment. I also told her I'm NOT going to see a neuro. I just had a brain-MRI and it was normal...so there is no tumor...nothing there. (well , there WAS something there...but you know what I mean :) ) I told her, it's the BP meds. And then I took myself off of the the offending one...and my symptoms have improved. (of course my BP is probably back up to 220/110) (and yes, it really was that high)...But do you know that the nurse took it upon herself to make an appointment for me this Monday afternoon without consulting me or telling me about it?? Suddenly I'm getting an automated phone call on Friday reminding me of my appointment on Monday--which I never even knew I had! Since when is the decision to see a doctor up to the doctor???? Honestly. This doctor and I need to have a little talk.
And I intend to do that. I intend to tell him of my increasing disenchantment with all things medical. I intend to tell him of the misery that is my life and that he can stop trying so hard to save it. And I intend to tell him (gulp) that from now on, I will make my own appointments, thank you.