Bitten

Well, the past week has been both good and bad; largely miserable--as I've been in even more crippling pain than previously as my spine is now contorting itself permanently into some rather weird shapes (which are doing nothing to enhance my appearance!); and as I've been computerless following two nasty viruses--one striking my laptop and one striking the PC so I was quite effectively thrust back into the twentieth century in terms of my entertainment choices.  No, that's not really true; I still had my Kindle and my iPod and iHome (which fortuitously was delivered on day two of laptop death  -- just in time to charge my iPod, a very necessary piece of sanity-maintaining equipment)...But I found that my enforced off-line status led me to: do some thinking; some much MUCH needed time to spend in God's Word and in prayer; some time to spend just writhing and moaning (lol) as I had two record blowing days of pain that shall be forever cursed in history --as are the days of Job's conception and birth lol.

I also spent some time--quite fascinating time, I might add--spying on myself, on my own history of just a year back.  I've been making books from this blog (from a company called Blog2Print - which is found I believe at ShareABook.com --but if that's wrong, don't be angry--just Google it instead) for the past two years at the year's end.  Last year I published the year 2009 and this year, 2010. (This year opting for the Volkswagon paperback version rather than the full -color, hardcover Cadillac of the previous year, finances being what they are.)

And in so reading I was amazed by several things:  1- is how miserable I was in the beginning of 2010; physically, very sick. Weak.  Fat.  Asthmatic...why, HMMmmmm who does this remind me of?? ME.  NOW.  And 2- the difference in my status by year's end.  Ecstatic with self pride and joy and the great improvement I'd been able to achieve with just a bit of dedication and self discipline---and with SparkPeople.com--I'd lost close to 70 pounds. Gained a lot of muscle...Gained in strength, in health, in happiness and contentment with myself.  and 3--the depth of my thought and mental/spiritual powers of insight as I started the year, regardless of how miserable I was, I wrote what I think are very decent blog posts.

(You have to realize, I'm looking back at this time as a relative stranger visiting the blog of someone else, since, due to my memory problems I was able to read it all as a first time visitor without bias or any interference my memory may have made otherwise.  Therefore I feel no shame at congratulating the author of this blog because I do not feel related to her--although we do bear remarkable resemblance! lol).

Now, reading this blog has created perhaps a bit of difficulty for  me because my immediate response is not merely a renewed motivation to write insightful blogposts; but also the dangerous question keeps asking itself in my mind, "If I could do it then , why can I not do it again; NOW???"

The question is dangerous because it leads to a great deal of discontentment with my current state physically.  Now of course, I think anyone in my body right now would be not only discontent, but completely miserable...but I think that this state in me is a dangerous one. And this is because my physical state has crossed the line between being able to change by commitment and zeal and perseverance into the land of permanent disability and serious illness which not only is unchangeable but to attempt such a change would be downright dangerous. My rheumy has repeatedly expressed her concern over the real and imminent danger of permanent and total paralysis I  face at this point in my disease, as the arthritic changes in my spine are compressing the spinal cord itself and are cutting off nerve root functions.  A fall or a wrong move,...or just another worsening of my condition and I won't be typing my own blogs anymore :(    So it is quite obvious that the type of exercise I was doing previously is really not only not recommended but is downright dangerous and foolish.

So I think, rather, I need to focus more on the aspect of writing spiritually discerning blogs and into being a spiritually discerning person.  And this can ONLY come by spending time with the Lord and in His Word.  You cannot be filled with the Spirit if you only rarely talk to Him.  Nor can I maintain the acuity of my Scriptural knowledge and knowledge of spiritual literature if I am not exposed to them frequently and in depth.  And honestly, to me, the computer is a huge roadblock in this pursuit.

I believe that God has allowed this virus to teach me a needed lesson and to warn me--once again-- "My child, you are spending WAY too much time chatting online and not nearly enough time "chatting" with Me."   And He reinforced the strength of this message by allowing me to become very very frightened and paranoid about the computer now in ways that I won't go into here...Just suffice it to say that to shut the thing off now, will actually bring some degree of relief to me.

So to my friends, If you do not see as much of me as before; be glad for it means that God is seeing more of me...
NO!
I am seeing more of God.