Today was supposed to be my elbow surgery...however it was postponed yesterday until Dec. 13th...because the doctors all considered it to be too risky to be done at the hospital's satellite location where it had been scheduled to occur. Not the that surgery is so risky; just my health issues make the anesthesia risky and they wanted to have the resources of the hospital should something go awry and also wanted to be able to easily admit me should there be a problem.
Honestly, today I'm glad I did not have to deal with surgery. I'm in a lot of pain...(back pain and a splitting headache from my spinal issues in my neck)...and so pretty much have decided to stay in bed today...The only two goals I have are to make protein bars (done, just in the dehydrator now) and chicken soup...which is in the process.
It's a rainy, cool, damp day here today...the worst possible kind for my body but if I have to stay in bed, I'd prefer it to be on a rainy day...that way I don't feel like I'm missing anything.
Today I've been considering the question of "God, what do you want me to be doing with this part or actually the rest of my life?" I do not honestly feel that my life will go on for too much longer but I have been feeling really pretty useless and pointless lately. I posed this question to my dad and he responded with this " have you considered my servant , Cynthia??" which if you don't know is a quote from the book of Job. And I got to thinking about Job. Initially, he raised a large family, and maintained a righteous exemplary life...but after he was smitten with catastrophe and illness...what was his purpose? what was his function? to sit amongst the ashes scratching his boils with a shard of pottey ?? Not so very useful.
But think further.
He refused to blame God despite his friends' unfair accusations against God and against Job himself.
He steadfastly declared that even if God should slay him, he would continue to worship Him.
He steadfastly asserted God's claim to his life and family and possessions...and knew that if God should see fit to take them from him, he could not in any right, protest.
What did that accomplish?
Did it change his friends' minds about the situation? NO.
Did it result in anyone's real benefit? In other words was JOb able to serve or assist anyone at that time? NO. (and this is one of the areas I struggle most with ...feeling useless and like I'm of no benefit to anyone).
Did it draw his wife closer to him or bring her closer to God? NO, she told him to "curse God and die".
So what was Job's big accomplishment during this time of severe testing?
Did he change Satan's mind? Did he make Satan fall in worship at God's feet? NO.
The only thing that I can see that Job accomplished during this suffering was to bring God pleasure and pride. In all that happened., Job did not sin.
Yes, he questioned. And yes, God put him in his place for questioning. But he didn't sin.
And God was pleased by that.
So maybe just by getting through day after day, without anger; with out blaming God, without despairing or giving up---I'm bringing God as much pleasure as I would if I were pastoring a church, or serving as a missionary.
And isnt' that what it's all about.?
I pray that God can point to me and say "Have you considered my servant Cynthia?" with satisfaction and pleasure. And all I really have to do is to keep on keepin' on and to continue to worship the God who made me; and the God who has placed me in my current circumstances. I can honestly say that thus far, I"ve done that. And if that is what I'm supposed to do right now; or until the end of my life; then I'll do it...to hear, "Well, done, good and faithful servant" because isnt' that more about who we are than what we do? Who can honestly impress God with their service? I don't really think anyone can. But we CAN delight him with our faithfulness.