It is Well with my Soul BYU Vocal Point

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Where to Start?

 This is a repost from a different blog of mine...but it seemed appropriate to post today.  I was just talking to a friend about what it's like to live with paranoia and SZ.  How you can get the craziest ideas...and they seem to you to be totally logical and believable.  

And then how at the end of whatever mess  you've made as a result of believing them - you look at them and  you still have doubts; Was that just delusional? Was I being paranoid?  Or on other occasions: Did I just hallucinate that?

And you JUST DON'T KNOW.
And you will NEVER totally know....regardless of how many assurances you receive from others that you were just being crazy....YOU STILL WILL HAVE DOUBTS...FOREVER .
Here's the post:


How does one begin the end of an ending?
How does one begin a beginning  while in the middle?
How does one end an ending before it begins?
How does one go back to the beginning and totally skip the wrong ending?

Confused?

Well, if you aren’t then, you are the person whom this post was intended for.

I’m sorry for the confusion, hurt, and misunderstanding that my rotten, lousy paranoid schizophrenic brain has caused.  I would do anything to erase the damage of the past week and go back to the friendship we had before all this mess began.  It's really just awful when my “home base”—the default position that my mind will take— is one of paranoia.  It is horrific to think that I could have so misunderstood and doubted a wonderful a friend as you are and have been.  I’m so so so sorry for the hurt that I’ve caused you and for the mass confusion that my misinterpretation has caused.

Please understand that my misinterpretation of your emails, has caused me equal pain; that the evil whisper of illness causes me at least as much suffering as it does the object of my doubts.  I really did think that you were furious with me and wanted nothing more to do with me.   I was hurt and wounded to the core….never once considering that once again, I was made a fool of by this damnable disease.

And the worst part of it by far, is not that I get hurt or have to live with the doubts and pain…but that I have caused someone else–someone innocent–to suffer as a result also.  I was an idiot to marry and am an idiot to ever try to  burst through the suffocating barrier between me and everyone else by forming a friendship….because always., inevitably, someone innocent will get hurt…and invariably, my heart will go through the familiar paths of doubt, worry, fear, anger, and then complete isolation that are the consequences of my wrong thinking.  And these are the things that happen when I’m WELL….NOT psychotic!!!  These are the things that construct my daily life.

I’m not looking for pity …because if anyone deserves it , it  is the people that my illness twists up and spits out….the ones who’ve dared to give me their hearts.

And I’m still, despite the evil my mind does, not the offender here either.  I guess I’m a victim too.

Anyway—-I’m sorry, times a thousand, for doubting you and for thinking you capable of such unreasonable rage.

I would understand if you did what every single other friend I’ve had does and did…and that is to cut me off cold.  To protect yourself from such pain again. I don’t understand why people can’t just SEE if for what it is when it comes.  But then neither can I so it is not fair to wonder that.  The thoughts are so insidious and so basked in so ”reasonable” a doubt that every one always falls for it…me and everyone else.  …Never can see it for ILLNESS, for a twisted, sick perception…and then as such just label it and disarm it by identfying it.  Then it would  stop.  I would say “OH THAT is what it is…it’s not her or him or them….It’s schizophrenia.” and then I could put it aside on a shelf where it belongs.
Nope.  It  is insidious. Believeable. Sneaky.  and fools me and everyone else and we all get sucked into a vortex of anger and pain.

I’m so sorry …It’s all there is to say.
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