The latest threat--this swelling which has inexplicably "Good Year Blimped" me, has begun to subside, leaving as mysteriously as it came...having been relatively untouched by diuretics...but leaving in it's own good time. My latest theory is that I had an extreme allergic reaction to a bite (which I've found on my left foot--looking very very similar to two wasp stings I'd had this year)...My symptoms are very similar to those that I'd had in the prior two bites only way more extreme...the swelling being the worst in my legs but not being limited to them.
I awake today...my daughter not being able to come today and visit and our trip to NY with her being cancelled...and I am sad. And feeling useless and pointless. What is my life now? It is really not much of anything...but it is a "nothing" that God has consistently guarded and protected. Why? I certainly must have a bigger purpose than to keep my cat company ....
I am eager to go to heaven (as some of you may have gathered)...but I have to wonder what it is that I have not done or been doing that God is waiting for me to do before releasing me to eternity? Is it merely a question of faithfully enduring??? That seems hardly right. Seems like God should have more active purposes than that. But maybe (and this is entirely possible) I am not understanding the purposes of God much.
Or maybe he really does want me to finish this book I"d begun,.. Or maybe he is waiting for me to live the life that I am writing ? How might I do that?....in this body which is truly self-destructing? I do not drive anymore....that in itself (in this land of forests and mountains where I live) is a true limitation. Pain is another huge factor.
Maybe instead of looking at my limitations, I need to look at my abilities. (duh) Relationship, encouragement, friendship...communicating (sometimes)...creativity (okay...that one does seem to be hibernating)....but maybe it should be fostered and welcomed again...encouraged rather than run from. I've been told recently that the world "needs my words" and that that is why God has kept me here. My problem of late, seems to be that I've had nothing to say but complaints and despair.(and who really needs that?)
What is any of our lives? Just because I do not awake with an alarm clock and race out the door to a job...is my life inherently any less? what really is productivity? what are YOU producing? what a am I producing? It is surely more important than a paycheck! I think I (and maybe you) need to look at our lives honestly, with clarity--and say "what am I doing here?" and "What does God want me to be doing here?" If life is more than the rat race...more than a job, then that means that the life of someone who is disabled or ill...is of no less import than is the life of a healthy person. It's true that I'm a bit more limited in service than are some of my friends...but maybe that just means I have to look harder for my purpose...and be more creative in assuming it. Maybe I just need to honestly ask God "what do you want me to do here?" and then put on my "listening ears" for his answer.
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