Free?

Turnin' molehills into mountains
Makin' big deals out of small ones
Bearing gifts as if they're burdens
This is how it's been
Afraid of coming out of my shell
Too many things I can't do too well
Afraid I'll try real hard
And I'll fail
This is how it's been

"Free" by Ginny Owens

The past several days have been difficult. I have been finding myself spread thin between that which I should and that which is possible....Those two categories have seemed to be quite a push-me; pull-you ride as I've been struggling to get onto the right track and in a good rhythm of writing, learning, and also fulfilling my life's normal obligations--and lastly - and firstly - dealing with the most overwhelming, most limiting fact of my life: Pain. Or maybe I should write it like this: PAIN!!!!

Everything I do must be weighed against the pain scale within which I function...On that 1-10 scale, with which you are familiar if you've been in the hospital or if you've ever suffered any kind of noteworthy pain, my numbers are always with in the 7-11 range and lately seem to have been at the upper end of what is even conceivable.
I've written about pain before. Just take everything I've written in the past and magnify it by about 5 and you'll have some idea
So that adds "some" stress.'

The fact that I've been, now, four nights with an hour or less of sleep; that too adds stress.
The fact that I've encountered my first wall in writing: a problem chapter which I've written and re-written taking four different approaches; none of which seem "right"--that adds a bit of stress...Not because it's such an irresolvable problem..but because of the doubts it raises about my ability to carry this project to fruition that it raises to shriek in my brain.

And all of this leads me to wonder "What is my problem?" Why can't anything- just for once - be easy? Well, to be honest, it was fairly easy for me to interest a publisher, compared to the difficulty some others have...so there was my "moment of ease." I guess we tend, as in everything else, to focus on the negative. "making big deals out of small ones; bearing blessings as though they're burdens.." I think Ginny Owens was my twin and we got separated at birth somehow! That is not the only song of hers I so fully identify with. The other one, quite ironically (considering all the complaining I've been doing here) is "If You want me to" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtNzOpKvPfw ) where Ginny writes and sings of her submission to God's plan for her life; even when the going gets hard. (Ginny herself is blind).

The title of the song I quoted at the beginning (and of this blog post) is "Free" which may seem a bit out of place when I've been talking about areas of difficulty or limitation in my life right now. But I was thinking about John 8:36 which says that "Therefore if the Son makes you free; you are free indeed." Where it counts; I am free. I may be snarled in circumstance...but I'm no longer a slave to sin or it's consequences. I may struggle with an uncooperative, hurting body right now; but you know what? Death doesn't own it. Death doesn't mean to me what it means to most of the people who may read this blog. Death for me, is only a gateway to something wonderful which will last forever!!

So really, when momentary frustration comes; even when pain comes that limits my world--I have very little cause to complain or to be "thrown"--I'm held in the hands of the only One who has the power to make me free....not only does he have to ability to do this; he's fully committed to doing it---to the point where he died to do it; He has promised to bring it to pass, that which he's already guaranteed....So all these things : even things like Health and my book--are tiny incidentals. They are not pivotal in my world. And as such, they hold no power to rock my world either.