Have you ever caught a glimpse of yourself in a mirror, as you stand next to a slim, gorgeous younger person? And felt suddenly four feet wide, decrepit and WAY out of place??
Today that happened to me (symbolically) as I joined an association of bloggers. I was told to pick five of the “communities” which have formed around particular blogs. Well, I browsed. And I wanted to go and crawl under a rock.
These were coupon-cutting , husband honoring, Christian mothers of ten who homeschool the lot of them....And I just felt sooooo...old. And dirty....I wondered what they would each think of me were they to meet me. I have a HISTORY...probably unlike anything they've even read about. I still, even after several years of renewing my commitment to God, struggle with bad language...and I wear shirts that are cut way too low. NOT to mention what kind of a mess I'd made of mothering.
“NOPE, I do NOT belong here”, screamed an accusing heart.
And then I decided I would spend some time with the Lord this morning...which is, unfortunately, sometimes not being done of late. I read my two all time favorite devotional books, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. These are the notes I wrote as I went: (both devotional readings were for July 18th)
“OC: There is no authority without the recognition of one. Once recognition comes; responsibility also comes. Obedience must follow in order to live under the power of redemption. (Isaiah 6:1, 5) (John 3:19-21)
“JC: With vision (recognition), comes the knowledge that we are not alone and safety follows. This 'vision' is “the confirmation of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses.. (Heb 11:1)
“Senses deceive. “It is with the heart one sees rightly.” (the Little Prince.) When we understand the truth and reality of the unseen; we must be changed by that recognition...otherwise we are damning ourselves to an eternity apart from it.” (note that here I'm talking about transformation, not salvation.)
I had fallen back into the behavior of darkness. My heart is obscured and I no longer SEE Him. But I HAVE seen Him. I know Him...Therefore I am doubly responsible. My eyes have been closed to the unseen. I have lived in this paper thin reality, according to its standards of behavior.,..therefore I've looked pretty good...amongst sinners and rebels. But when plopped into a world of Christian women bloggers....who seem like they dwell in a different sphere from me. Like they inhabit some OTHER reality from mine....I see myself, world-dirty and rebellious. “REAL.” yes....REAL-ly sinful. I will retain my commitment to honesty and truth in my representation of myself. I will not pretend to be what I am not:
I am a woman struggling to get through a difficult life, who has temporarily lost sight of the One who is here with me in it. I want to be back in the center of that Light. I already own the responsibility that comes once I've seen Him. It would be foolish not to then own the benefit as well. It would be like inheriting a box of Treasure, but neglecting to also take the key that came with it. All the box would only be an encumbrance without that.
What is the Key??
The Key is the MEANS by which we obtain the Treasure.
And that is? REDEMPTION. Transformation. It doesn't come by trying to fit myself into a mold made some one else.
It comes from seeing God and grabbing that Treasure that the Light of Recognition reveals....opening it with the key and diving in to be changed.