It is Well with my Soul BYU Vocal Point

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The State of Mind Address

It's been another week since my transfer to this rehab from the medical hospital. I have improved to the point of being able to now traverse a short hallway to get to my meals using a walker instead of a wheelchair. However today I made that "one false move" that the cops warn bad guys against and have paid a painful price. No, I didn't dislocate the hip, but it does hurt like the dickens and has been doing so all day. I pretty much took it easy in therapy times, had a hasty lunch and hurried to my bed...where I dozed and read for the rest of the afternoon. And then, to test myself prior to dinner to see if I can use the walker again, I walked across the room with it and really regretted doing that. It hurts a LOT...so it looks like dinner will be eaten in my wheelchair once more.

They have found that my hip once more has contracted a staph infection and although the antibiotics they gave me are NOT ones that are effective against this particular bacteria, they have decided not to start a new course but to watch it and hope that it gets better on its own. This, I can tell you quite surely, is a bad move. I know my body. I KNOW its affinity for major infection...and I also know that there is bad pain, deep into the joint area which should have, by now, cleared up....and which has not done so, and in fact, especially today, seems to be worse. I've told them over and over that it is hurting way too much. More than it should be by now. And they keep repeating over and over, "but the incision looks good, isn't too red anymore and has stopped draining." OK, fine. But what if the infection has just moved deeper into the joint and what if the incision has just temporarily improved due to the initial course of antibiotics?

Any way, I'm sure that none of your are very interested in my medical history past or present.
So I'll move on.

My thoughts today, as I read and di d a bit of thinking and praying...have led me to a conclusion which is NOT a comfortable one with which to live. And that is that I have slipped far away from the Lord , in fact, so far, that I'll bet that if you were to interview any person here at this rehab, after being here for close to two weeks, that NONE of them would identify me as a follower of Christ. A nice person maybe. The old ladies might call me a "sweetheart" but beyond mortal powers, I am just that. ... a mortal being. All sense of the supernatural, eternal life that I am supposedly living is well hidden. I haven't offered to pray with anyone. Haven't been moved to speak of my love for the Lord....you get the picture. And this is a highly distressing thing. And it is one that must be remedied...not only in the sense of doing some 'advertising' during this coming week, but in general.

My love for Jesus has dimmed. Been folded neatly and tucked into the back of a drawer....where it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable...firstly, me.
And I don't WANT it to be that way. I want to fall back into love with him. Powerfully. Passionately. In a way that makes me and everyone else a bit uncomfortable. I once had a relationship like that with him. And I think that that very fact is part of the problem. I keep comparing everything since that time, WITH that time. And nothing measures up or comes close. But maybe it's not supposed to. God, afterall, is multifaceted and is nothing if not unpredictable. Maybe the verse in Isaiah is especially true for me now, "See? I am doing a new thing now. Can't you see it?? I'm planting streams in the desert....."

I know that I need to learn to dance with the Spirit. Let HIM lead and set the pace. Avoid stepping on his toes and hampering his movements. Be an accompanist rather than a soloist. And maybe right now I need to examine my heart and take a long look at him and how he's been working or not working and ask him to show me what it is that he is trying to do and to show me how I've been cooperating or obstructing these plans of his. Maybe I need to examine my life to see what things are occupying the throne alongside of him which have no business being there.

And for tonight. I need to pray and seek his guidance because tomorrow I am setting up a living will. And I want it to say what HE wants and not what I want it to say. So I need to ask him for clarity and direction.

So, for now, I'm off. I've got some work to do....
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