I need to write this. And writing the outpourings of my heart may be just the thing that has gotten me into this plight.
But maybe that is a good thing. Maybe I needed my eyes to be open to the fact that not EVERYTHING should be poured out of my heart into a public venue such as this. Even though the people who read this do not know me NOR my family, perhaps just the speaking or writing of things is crossing some kind of line of trust or of propriety. I don’t know. I am a writer. What is in my heart has ALWAYS had to come out on paper or onto a screen. And it is true that, were someone to read these things which may speak of them; they could be hurtful in ways I’d never ever intended to hurt.
It was for this reason (and some others) that I burned YEARS of diaries…from 8th grade until my 32nd year or so. Some things just should not be read by others. Why?? Because they do not comprehend that often it is illness which spawns them; or that what may be true in my heart one day, will totally NOT be true the next; that words spoken in the heat of pain and anger do not really resound from the truest depths of my heart….but are merely the froth of the ocean waves which crash on my beach. There is this fallacy floating around that you never really say anything which you don’t truly believe on some level. I completely disagree with that statement. I have said hurtful things to the very LAST people on earth whom I’d want to hurt. And regretted them – often immediately – from the very core of my being….with every neuron in my body.
So maybe putting things into writing is NOT a good idea…because it gives permanence to things which should be repented of and washed away by the blood of Christ forever and ever.
And it also gives me a false sense of anonymity….of privacy. But what happens when I’m dead? Who will it be that reads those piles of journals…the stash of online JUNK; the things stored on my hard drive? They become open game. And they become weapons of mass destruction to the ones I love…and the worse thing is that they can never ever be erased or confessed or forgiven…because I will no longer be there to ask for forgiveness or to explain that they were not really meant or intended in any way to hurt or harm. And not only that, but as Randy Alcorn says through the voice of an angel character in his book “The Edge of Eternity:” “There is no such thing as a private moment.” or in this case, ” There is no such thing as an unheard word.” The fact is that the “great cloud of witnesses,” those people who have gone into Eternity and all the armies of the Lord’s heavenly armies, hear every. single. word.
Even our thoughts are heard and examined by the Lord.
And one day we will stand in front of that throne, believer and unbeliever alike, and will have to answer for them. These words of venom or blessing. This thought does not so much terrify me as it does fill me with an immense shame and a sense of my sinfulness. Sin that goes to my very core. Sin that is so great that it overpowers every ounce of ‘self control” or kindness, or every good intention, and it comes out of my mouth. or fingers onto paper or keyboard. or even just corrupts my thoughts with its poison.
Some verses come to mind. The first one is this: “For it is from the overflow of the heart that the mouth speaks.” and “a bad tree cannot produce good fruit.” and when James asked his audience, “how is it that, from a single mouth, both evil and blessing flow? Can a well produce both good and bad water? This cannot be!” (those are the words from my memory…I may have something slightly wrong in my renditions of them but the meaning is unchanged. So what conclusions may I draw from these word
That I am evil.
RESOUNDING LY and completely corrupt. Any good that I do , is in itself a misrepresentation of my evil heart warring against what God would have me to do.
And yes, I now am possessing two warring forces with in me. God has given me a new heart. A pure one that only intends to do what he wants me to do or say. But I cannot fool myself. The evil is still there. The enemy of my soul is still working …in fact working harder than he has ever had to work in me, to make those evil impulses override the restraint and love placed there by the Holy Spirit.
It also means that I am without excuse.
People who do not have the Spirit dwelling in their souls are incapable of successfully resisting the evil that is in them. In them, the old heart is their ONLY heart…and yes, decency, kindness or self-control may cause them to edit their words or actions…but when a negative impulmlse comes, they are powerless to overcome it with a truly loving heart. They can say the right words…but they are really empty words springing from propriety, not love.
So in reality–I am more without excuse then they are. Because I HAVE the ability and the power to go to God for cleansing from any evil intent, or impatient impulse and to REPLACE it with HIS love. The love to which the cross has given me access.
So I am more, but also I have a solution. I have an antidote to the failure I’ve just had. And that too is the cross of Y’shua (Jesus), where that guilt is not only pardoned, but ELIMINATED. The sad part though , is that this does not always eliminate the pain that my words may have caused someone. And if my words are spoken and were heard; if they are written and read–their potential to bring harm and hurt goes on and on. This is why Scripture is so PACKED with injunctions and wisdom about the power of our words and how to best manage them. The book of Proverbs (some call it the “Song of Solomon”) is loaded especially full of this wisdom about words and the tongue.
So today, my heart is ACHING with my failure…with things I’ve spoken and written which could be misinterpreted or which, shamefully, are true and which were hurtful and wounding.
And I beg and plead with the Spirit of Y’shua for his blood to cover my failures and sins. To work in the hearts of those I’ve injured. For them to have the supernatural ability to forgive me and move on in our relationships.To understand the pain of my heart for having caused tears on the faces of the LAST people on earth whom I would wish to wound, and to try to forgive me and understand that I still struggle with sin just like they do. I say things I don’t mean…just like they do…And I pl ead and beg with God’s Spirit to forgive and restore my heart to the place where he would want it to be.
And if you too, are wanting to be cleansed of this or other sins, and you need this NEW heart in order to do it…(which you DO in order to have victory over such sins as these) I would recommend speaking to a friend or minister whom you KNOW has that heart already…or contact me at the email address in the sidebar…Or best of all, go directly to the source and pick up a Bible. Read from a good translation that is easy to understand (I recommend the New Living Translation ((NLT)) ) and maybe begin with the book of Matthew or John…Ask God first to explain it to you and make it clear to you by his Spirit…and he will. And THEN go to someone reliable spiritually, for the answers to your questions.