This post is going to be a bit more open; and a bit less philosophical or theological --at least that's the direction in which I feel I'm headed.
I'm feeling very frustrated.
By my inability to "do" a healthy relationship.
My personal, familial relationships are pretty much destroyed by my moodiness and my detachment from all my inner emotion (of which I often have ask myself, "is there really anything IN there??), my irritability, my lack of trust in them and their incomprehension of me and years of anger and disappointment piled on top of that.
I am grateful for my relationship with my father. It seems to be one of the only healthy relationships that I have...as long as we can keep all emotion out of it; we are fine. (my dad is not terribly comfortable with his emotional self. He tends to "live in his head" for the most part) And lately, that has been all too easy.
But there is a huge paradox.
While I feel NOTHING...(emotionally speaking)...I seem to be so EASILY swept into sudden rage and constant irritability. It feels so completely out of my control. I've prayed about it. Asked forgiveness for every outburst I've had and unkind thing I've said. I've stood in horror listening to epithets pour from my lips which I would normally not dream of saying...and these even work their way into my everyday speech at times. And I feel like I'm watching someone ELSE behave this badly. And I can't stop them.
I was feeling a HUGE weight of self-condemnation for this...for months and months. And feeling like the worst sinner and worst hypocrite to walk the face of this earth. Because this bitch-on-wheels is NOT ME!! Where does she come from?? She's not anything I want to be; and nothing like what I've been known to be (except when psychotic....then: watch OUT!J)...She does not spring from my beliefs, my sense of people or the world...she just APPEARS...wreaks havoc in my life....and then is gone...only to be back moments, hours or days later....
And then I read on schizophrenia.com about a symptom of sz called "dysphoria" ...this is exactly the opposite of "euphoria"....It means to be constantly irritable and constantly in a bad mood.
And that stopped me in my tracks.
You mean SHE is a SYMPTOM???
NO MY FAULT???
And then before the relief had time to eke its way into my bones, I threw a HUGE fit, yesterday. Behaved abominably. And while , it is true that I was egged on by less than optimal responses from my family, I was WAY over the line...even for me...even for HER.
And again, the sense of failure and shame and shock. I was appalled at the intensity of my anger...I could have KILLED, I was so angry.
And at the same time, I felt so sick yesterday...I didn't know why. My head was throbbing, My legs were shaking underneath me like they did the first time I walked after a long bout with steroid myopathy....My vision was blurred and doubled...even my hands too weak to type....(and they still feel that way)...
And because I'm being admitted to the medical hospital today for Hyponatremia (low sodium levels in the blood)...I decided to look it up on Google. Well. Symptoms ? Headache. muscle weakness, extreme irritability and rages,....etc etc. I was having every single symptom except the one I wanted : Loss of appetite (lol).
And when I read that, and I read the schizophrenia symptoms, I felt a huge release. It's not my fault. it's really not my fault. The reason it's felt so out of my control is that it IS out of my control. (and I'm not taking this as carte blanche to act badly...I know I'm still responsible for what I can control).... But just like someone with Altzheimers or dementia...or a brain tumor is not responsible for their moods or behavior....so I too have a legitimate explanation for that which I'd been castigating myself for for months.
God is NOT displeased with me.
He knows I am really doing the best that I can do.
And this realization makes hot tears spill down this deadpan face.