Phil Wickham When My Heart is Torn Asunder

Saturday, November 14, 2009

on being Both Here and Also There

On Being Here and Also There
Today at 7:14pm
Here in the hospital still…Almost a week down and still at the maximum dosage of IV steroids that they give for asthma via IV. The damage is beginning to be evident in my body…exhaustion and weakness, terrible tremors, swollen face and body,… I am praying that they leave my mind alone this time…My mind is still too tenuous in its level of control following my last psych hospitalization (going on what, now? Two weeks ago?)

I look at this person, bad lungs, messed up cardiac situation, terrible mental issues, and think sometimes: “God, what are you THINKING creating a mess like me?? And then having the audacity to bless me at one past time with beauty, talent in numerous areas, intelligence.....???” It really is all beyond me, what He is up to. Am I still in “basic training?” Is there some big mission ahead of me that somehow requires all of this “specialized training?”

Or does my future lie in being abandoned, either in a nursing home, state mental institution, homeless on a street corner…? And will it require all of my past history to either deal with it successfully without spitting in God’s face once again or else to summon sufficient pathos to make a movie from the vestiges of a destroyed life that had once smacked of promise. (ala, : The Soloist). (Hope you can recognize the tongue - in - cheek tone of these questions!)

At a recent Christian Writer’s Conference, I was “prophesied over” and prayed over …both women having similar visions of me speaking to crowds of thousands…. Of course, that does not eliminate the possibility of a private/public platform, such as a writer who is still homebound or worse; or a platform built on an online presence; or even of God shakin' all the sickness right out of me and getting my butt really UP THERE on a stage somewhere…and all of the above seem equally audacious to me and eons away from any place that I find myself in reality.

Sometimes I pray that God will see fit to give me a quiet life (okay, avoid the temptation to SNORT here, please)….and then allow my platform to be built posthumously…ala: Emily Dickinson or even Oswald Chambers and spare me the exhaustive pain and strain that a more active life would entail for me…who has real difficulty making it to Shop Rite. I guess that's the lazy man's way (or the really tired late/middle aged woman's point of view).

It all comes down to this question, (and it is one that I’ve found myself pondering repeatedly today): What does God see me as doing? As BEING?? Today? Tomorrow? Am I there? Am I living out His vision for me? Am I even on the same map? Am I on track for the place he’s taking me to be?

How, realistically speaking, does one get to be in that ideal state of “There-ness” and “Readiness” at the same time? Seems like one heck of a balancing (balanced?) act. That is it is I guess. To be settled and content where I am now, reaping its blessings, sucking them dry and then filling and serving the glasses with the fruit of the vine I’ve made of it, not forgetting to plant whatever seeds I come across and to tend them….and also being ready at the blink of the Father’s eye, to pack up and move on…to the next stage or off the stage entirely…not looking behind with any regret, nor ahead with any fear…Just tucking my hand into my Daddy’s and trotting along to the next place He has arranged for me. "Ok, Dad, it’s okay….I’ll go where you take me…I only need to know YOU”LL be with me there, OK, Dad??...Just don’t leave me and I’ll be just fine.”

(“I will never leave you, nor forsake you…” “I go….that where I am, there you may be also.” Y'shua ha' Meschiach)
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