The Mom I Barely Knew

My mom went to heaven Oct 27th, 2016.  She had adapted a proverb from Scripture ("A soft answer turneth away wrath").  She said this because, when I knew a spanking was coming, if I could make her laugh, she would find it difficult to discipline me.   She said "A smart answer, turneth away wrath." ("smart" as in "Smart-Alec").  Because I was frequently the recipient of spankings, I had honed my humor to a fine edge, relying on it to save my sore buttocks. It didn't always work, but hey, I tried.

My memories of my mom are multifaceted.  And they were not all complimentary to her.  They say you should not speak ill of the dead....and it is true that my mind tends to filter out the pain and hurt but my heart wishes I had known her better...what motivated her?  What caused her to be so angry with me that she would go for weeks not speaking to me or acknowledging my presence?  What was the deep anger toward her father and siblings about?  What things made her happy?  Her house is like something out of "House Beautiful" even though it is just a double-wide trailer...she selected things that were beautiful and then found the perfect spot for them.  She had a home decorator's eye..and used it  to feather her nest.

She was not a cuddly person.  But I remember once, in my psychotic 20's I came to her house from my home in New Haven ,CT and fell into her arms...sobs shaking my body and I cried myself to sleep leaning on her and laying on her lap with her hand patting me and smoothing my hair.. And she stayed like that the entire time that I slept.  It was the first and only sleep I'd had in a week or more and she didn't want to disturb my sleep.  Did she pray for me while I slept? I believe she did. What believing mom wouldn't ?

I know my mom prayed for me, but once she confessed to me that the thing she most regretted in her role as my mom, was that she did not pray more for me.  I understand that because even though I pray a lot for my daughter, I too, feel that it is not enough.  It is never enough--to our mind--but God the Father knows the love behind my prayers and in my silence and he, through the Holy Spirit, fills in the gaps, "with groans which cannot be uttered."

One time I had the flu.  My temp was 204 and going higher every time I checked it.  I was too sick to go to the doctor or even to the ER. I couldn't answer questions or do anything but lie in misery.  I called my parents and requested for them to pray for me to get me through the night and to feel well enough in the AM to go and get treatment. Later  I found out, that my mom was certain I would die that night and she stayed up the entire  night in prayer for me. I did survive (obviously) and was admitted to the hospital the next day.

There are many mysteries about my mom...and many unanswered questions.   She did not leave any journals except some notebooks of prayer requests that she kept to pray for her friends and church.  I believe she can see me and Mom, if you are reading this, I regret many things about our relationship--that I didn't credit you for being a beautiful woman.  I did not appreciate your many domestic talents.  I did not honor you for the sacrifices you made on my behalf.  There are questions I wish I could ask you but they will have to wait until I get to heaven.  Please forgive me for looking down on you for your lack of education--.  It was not your fault that your early schooling was in a one room schoolhouse and of dubious quality. You put  yourself through 2 years of college with your own earnings.  And that, it turns out.was the same as I had done.  (I  only finished 2 years of college due to mental illness)

To those of you who still have surviving parents, my message is this: KNOW them. LOVE them. APOLOGIZE to them and FORGIVE them. Do these things while you have them. I do much wish I had.