It's early morning. 3:15 to be exact. Pain launched me from my comfortable bed and I sought relief in my recliner. In fact, between the hours of 11:30-1:00 I switched back and forth from the recliner to the bed and back again several times. I did my morning writing/exercise with my fountain pens...except I kept falling asleep with them in my hand, which isn't good. They will dry out and/or fall into the recliner and get damaged. So I put them away for now.
Today I take my third injection of Cosentyx. And I'm on my 4th day of Arava. Something's got to work soon. If not? How will I get through even one more week of this pain? God will help me. He has before...usually not by removing the pain but my renewing my courage and awakening patience.
This morning I've had at least 20 "movies." I've mentioned movies in the past. These are short visual hallucinations of scenes of all kinds just like seeing a movie clip without any sound. They leave you equally confused as if you saw a random movie short because you don't know anything about the movie so you really can't describe what you've seen afterward. Same with these. When all is well I see them infrequently or not at all...I would not say now that all is NOT well, just because I've seen them. They are a yellow light. Caution. Not really a fearsome thing. Just my mind reminding me that it is there and it is ill.
In my last session with the psychiatrist's PA, we told her about the recurrence of movies and she said she was not at all surprised since I've recently lost my mom. For a while after that, they went away and capriciously they have returned. I'm not going to worry about it. When they are not here I feel their lack...like missing a tooth that has been pulled. The gap is noticeable and someone worrisome. Something that is a part of you...is gone.
But they tell me that lack is a good thing.
Yesterday when Eric went out to shovel snow I heard--clearly and loudly--my daughter coughing. Now my daughter lives two hours away and is not home....I heard the coughing again. I went and looked around and didn't see anyone. "unless it's...." my old delusion rears its ugly head and whispers a suggestion. No, I won't go there. Maybe it was a random auditory hallucination.
I have some bills to research and I've been putting them off. I also need to get my filing system for this years EOBs and bills and receipts organized....So these two items I will make goals for this week when I am alone. I may also take out my dip pens and play with them a bit. I've had them and all the accompanying equipment since last summer and have not yet used them. I think if I remove from my brain all expectation...all desire to do something beautiful and make my only expectation that I should take them out and use them....then maybe I can do it. the reason I have not yet done it is that I will have to spread out either on the kitchen table or on the small computer desk we have. And knowing my hands, I will have to work for small increments of time and then leave and rest and then come back to do some more. With DH home, there is no opportunity for that.
Our house is terribly short on space and surfaces are a premium. My desk in my room---while ideally I would like to work there--not only is the top covered with stuff but underneath it is my O2 Concentrator and a stack of stuff that I keep within arm's reach of my recliner. Notebooks, Kindles, Bibles, tissue box, makeup etc....So there would be no way to put your knees under my desk either. So yes. The dip pen adventure is goal #3.
If those three things are the only things I accomplish this week, I will be happy.
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