It's 11:58, and thus far I've only had an hour of disturbed sleep. I don't know why, really, that sleep has evaded me. I kind of was sad before I went to bed and found that scenes from my mottled past were replaying one after another: a veritable documentary of a fractured life. And thinking those thoughts, remembering those things, brought pain and chin-high sadness. At the beginning of the night I had an anxiety attack and after debating about it for a long while, I took some Ativan....which I think was responsible for the hour of sleep that I got. Now I'm awake, not anxious, however sadness lingers.
I think I used to have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) due to the trauma I suffered as a consequence of my mental illness. And now, I have great trauma which is springing from the horrors I have experienced with my hip becoming dislocated 9 times. Both of those topics have "DO NOT DISTURB" signs posted prior to every memory that my cruel conscious mind digs up for my experiencing...again and again. And most of the time I am busy with life or sleeping peacefully. Most of the time. But now and then will come a night when the ashes of a memory are stirred and up bursts a flame which, if it is fed, will ignite a conflagration of pain.
This morning, my case manager and I went out for breakfast and she told me that she had taken my book with her on her vacation last week and she said that she did nothing but read that book until it was done. She was riveted. And she told me that when the book ended, she cried and wanted more than anything to give me a hug. I was very touched by that.
I must say that I have been greatly blessed by three of the case managers that I've had from this particular county office. I had very good relationships with each of them and bonded with them in a way that is particular to each of their personalities. But I know that they each care a lot about me. When my last TCM (targeted case manager) left, we both cried. She was moving on to a new job in counseling and due to the nature of her work, it was not ethical for her to remain in touch with me. I did bump into her twice after she left and both times we hugged and cried. Even with the wonderful relationship I have with my current TCM, I still miss the last one and it pains me to think about not seeing her anymore.
I don't know what I will do when my current lady leaves....It's so hard when a close relationship ends like that. It doesn't seem fair that it has to end. I mean we are friends....why should we not keep in touch? I know all about propriety and boundaries and ethics. I've said good bye to too many people...doctors, counselors, mental health workers, social workers by the score. That's the problem with mental illness treatment. They work hard at getting to your heart and yet when either they or I move on, it is the end. And it always hurts like hell. The intimacy is supposed to be an artificial one ...but it almost always becomes real and maybe because I don't have any "real life" friends, all of my eggs are in these baskets and they always end up cracked and bleeding.
I have considered closing my heart. Guarding myself from yet another attachment; yet another loss. When my current TCM took the place of my special lady, I confess I did not have a good attitude toward her. I felt like "who is she to replace M---?"
I was terse and cold for a while. I don't know if she was aware of it or not--I only halfway tried to hide my bad feelings toward her. But she didn't give up. And she wore me down. We built a relationship...a little different than the one I had with M--- but it is a good one nonetheless. I know that she cares about me and I have come to the place where I care about her too. I can't think about losing her like I've lost the multitude of others....
Shakespeare said "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." And I suppose that is right...but the pain is formidable and I can't even think about yet another loss. With my father advancing in age and our relationship being as close as it is, I have prayed and asked God to have mercy and let me die first because I cannot face losing him.
Lord, all these beloved ones that you have given me; professionals who have, despite their propriety, come to care about me, and me about them--I thank you for them and for the grace you have shown me through them. Cushion the blows Lord. Soften the tearing away. Help my heart not to grow cold or scarred. And help me to know that just as I carry them in my heart, so they, too, remember me with fondness and caring.