Phil Wickham When My Heart is Torn Asunder

Saturday, February 4, 2017

For the Sake of Love

My life has been pretty quiet...Not too many MD appointments...no real news except for the continuing onslaught of my body by these multiple kinds of Arthritis.  I started a new med, it's an injection called Cosentyx and most of my eggs are in that basket.  I was overcome by pain and requested a course of Medrol (a steroid like prednisone only more potent). I was enjoying the few days that bought me of tolerable pain levels....but as soon as I got down to two or three pills a day, the pain was right back. It didn't even have the courtesy to wait until I was done taking the steroids. (NOTE: Pain is never courteous. It is a harsh, merciless enemy that will do all it can to destroy and tear you down).  Now I'm done with the Medrol but pain is not done with me.  Yesterday I needed to take a shower and tried to walk to the bathroom (about 15 feet from my bedroom) and found I couldn't.  The pain was too intense. So I took a pain pill and waited a half hour then tried again.

One would think that with pain like this that I would avoid making trips to the kitchen.  I do often procrastinate about filling up my water bottle etc.  I  wish I could do away with the snacking as well.  The Medrol awakened a ravenous hunger. Stubbornly I clung to my calorie goals...but found myself so unsatisfied and so hungry that yesterday I said to myself, "Just eat.  Eat until you are satisfied." and I had  a Subway veggie delight sandwich and then my husband brought home Pizza Hut last night for dinner, so I dove in.  For the first time in weeks I was no longer hungry...  I hope that sense of satisfaction and repletion remains through today as well. 

Earlier in the week I weighed myself and found that, contrary to my expectations, I had lost three more pounds --when I thought I had gained five. So that was a happy day.  I was appalled when I tracked the Pizza Hut and the White Macadamia cookie I had at Subway.  They were both astronomically high in calories.  Well, even if I gained a pound, I think it was worth it because now I feel that I can go on in my food plan.

I have been reading My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers again. It is my all time favorite devotional.  The depths of this man's understanding about the Lord continually astounds and challenges me. His writing is NOT easy to understand but it is so worth the effort.  He will shake all of your comfortable assumptions about the Christian life and you will begin to see the Lord, "High and exalted"...you will see that what God asks of us is NOT to attend church on Sundays and put five dollars into the offering plate.  He asks for our ALL...everything we are and all that we say, do, think and feel.  How else could we possibly  "Love the Lord God with all (our) hearts, minds, souls and strength"?

I suffer.  A Lot.
But I don't know whether or not this suffering is my cross--or is it just an unfortunate medical condition?  A Cross is something borne for Jesus...It is to share in his sufferings for the cause of love.  I do try to make use of the lessons I learn in the "School of Suffering" (a la Andrew Murray).  I do try to challenge people to reach higher, dig deeper, and be MORE in our walk.  I try to make use of my time and spend it in prayer (before you get to admiring me, realize that I don't pray nearly as much as I should...it is an ongoing battle).  I have not been writing much.  Not even here in this blog.  Sometimes I feel like my brain is numb and my mind is a blank slate and that just existing through the pain is all I can do.  And that is just not acceptable.  I want to be "more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus." I want to use these long empty days that float by like scudding clouds to do something with eternal significance.  And I fall short.

I want to grasp the understanding of the height and depth of the love of God...I want to see how completely I am loved.  I want to love him likewise with all I think, feel, AM.
I feel choked by my possessions. My STUFF. I have the accoutrements of a healthy raw vegan lifestyle...Juicers, dehydrator...spiralizers...jars and jars of herbs and teas.  And now I cannot even walk down the 12 steps to the basement where much of that stuff is kept.  So much for health. LOL.  I want to get rid of this stuff....And yet it saddens me to admit that this, along with my gardening equipment, belongs to someone I no longer am.  I am no longer energetic, healthy, committed to a full life.  And while I can accept that in this minute....I cannot accept it for a year or ten from now.  Is it really over?  Do I get rid of all this stuff? What if I start feeling better?  Where is the dividing line between acceptance and faith?  The same goes for the mammoth supply of clothes downstairs. I have full wardrobes for every size between 22 and 6.  Can I get rid of those "fat clothes"?  Chances are very good that I will need once again to be on IV steroids...and that means...Yep. weight gain.  I hate that.

Anyway...this blog won't have a tidy conclusion. I just wanted to challenge you to think and to assess your life and walk with the Lord.  If God asked for your all, what would you say? If he told you that you would suffer terrible pain and learn to worship and serve him there...how would you respond? If you are blessed by good health, what are you doing to put your faith into action and draw on that bank of health? 

Be well beloved...and more importantly, be LOVED.






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