As you may have noticed, at the bottom of this page is a slide show of some of my artwork....Have you ever wondered why I don't talk about art or my artwork? Well it's because I no longer really do any artwork. Of late, the closest thing I've done visually is some calligraphy......but even that, although I have all the equipment and supplies that I need, has been neglected. Why? Honestly I believe it is due to damage to my brain by ECT. I don't have any inspiration or inclination to create. Even poetry has fallen silent. And it is accompanied by an incredible amount of stress for me. For many years I identified myself as an artist. And now....
That (the lack of ideas and inclination) and a lack of dexterity physically and the fact that the only position I can maintain other than lying down, is sitting on my recliner. And that is due to pain. I don't know how I could stand to sit at a table or desk for long enough to produce any work.
My daughter is very talented and I guess that she is my Opus Magnus. My masterpiece. LOL...I cannot claim credit for her skill...God gave her that. She enjoys creating and does it both 'for fun' and for pay. I look at her at work and confess to some jealousy.
My dexterity also, due to hands crippled by PsA, has been greatly compromised. So not only does it hurt to grip a pen or brush...I am clumsy and coarse.
So what do I do? Do I come to a place where I can "give it up." Give all my supplies to my daughter and move on? Do I stop beating myself for not producing anything for years? Do I make peace with art's absence? CAN I???
And the calligraphy...dexterity is a huge problem there too.
As some of you may know I have a small collection of fountain pens and every day I write pages with them...both to keep them working and also as a form of self -expression...which is probably pointless because my handwriting is so bad that even I can't read it. My dad and my husband also collect fountain pens and it gives us something to talk about. But it is frustrating...to try to write not only legibly but beautifully. I recently filled a whole notebook practicing Palmer script...letter by letter ...pages filled with each letter. And that helped. But this past summer when I was in rehab for two months, I lost whatever I had gained by that practice.
It does give me satisfaction to see ONE LETTER written as it should be. One letter...maybe it would be one letter in a couple pages. Is that rewarding enough to keep me going? What does God want? He is Creator. I am to follow in his image. But does there come a point when it is OK to lay down the brush, pencils and pens...and say, "What do you have next for me Lord?" next, in the timeline of my life. Art for a season. Writer for a reason. And.....now?
I don't know what God has next for me. Maybe I am only to pray. As this body fails me, God promises to keep me and he promises to hear my prayers...and he does. Does he give me his permission to no longer do artwork? Can I go peacefully forward without constantly expecting and nagging myself to produce? Or is it not yet "quitting time"? I need to ask God to make my path clear to me.