Yesterday a post was placed on a site I frequent for people with schizophrenia. The post asked the question as to whether any of us also accused ourselves of lying or of putting on a big hoax in regard to our symptoms and diagnosis. I was stunned as person after person acknowledged that they too harbored these doubts and the associated guilt.
This is something I have struggled with from the earliest days of my illness. And it is so real and so troubling that even now, knowing that it is common among many other sufferers, I still feel like a farce. I accuse myself of play acting. I tell myself "If you really wanted to, you could control this illness and stop these symptoms."
The only thing that gives me pause is that there have been times when I have attempted to initiate an episode....and have been unable to. I cannot carry out the symptoms on command. I cannot prompt a hallucination or an attack of paranoia. I cannot talk word salad. I am not creative enough to describe the things that go on in my head when I am sick--when there really is nothing to describe.
What conclusions must I draw?
Arrogant? Maybe.
Desperate? Definitely
Just recently, I was feeling immense guilt and shame over what we all thought was a physical illness--a FATAL disease--and it had embarrassing symptoms. It cost us a lot of money in doctor bills and worry. And I found out it was ALL caused by my believing in an auditory hallucination I had when "the Voice of God" told me that I would not live out the year. I attacked myself and plummeted into oceans of guilt, embarrassment and shame. But now, I have to tell myself mercifully, "You were just as fooled as anyone else. You did not deliberately set up a scene to deceive everyone. You were not a pretender. You were a VICTIM of this mental illness.
It is hard for me to believe that. And it is interesting to me that I would rather believe that I lied and made up that illness - than I would want to believe that I really was that ill. Even though the latter option is the most merciful...and the most true.
This is something I have struggled with from the earliest days of my illness. And it is so real and so troubling that even now, knowing that it is common among many other sufferers, I still feel like a farce. I accuse myself of play acting. I tell myself "If you really wanted to, you could control this illness and stop these symptoms."
The only thing that gives me pause is that there have been times when I have attempted to initiate an episode....and have been unable to. I cannot carry out the symptoms on command. I cannot prompt a hallucination or an attack of paranoia. I cannot talk word salad. I am not creative enough to describe the things that go on in my head when I am sick--when there really is nothing to describe.
What conclusions must I draw?
- I am really sick. I am not pretending to be ill.
- I am not alone in this troublesome symptom...and that is what it is: a symptom.
- I can stop tormenting myself and feeling false guilt.
Arrogant? Maybe.
Desperate? Definitely
Just recently, I was feeling immense guilt and shame over what we all thought was a physical illness--a FATAL disease--and it had embarrassing symptoms. It cost us a lot of money in doctor bills and worry. And I found out it was ALL caused by my believing in an auditory hallucination I had when "the Voice of God" told me that I would not live out the year. I attacked myself and plummeted into oceans of guilt, embarrassment and shame. But now, I have to tell myself mercifully, "You were just as fooled as anyone else. You did not deliberately set up a scene to deceive everyone. You were not a pretender. You were a VICTIM of this mental illness.
It is hard for me to believe that. And it is interesting to me that I would rather believe that I lied and made up that illness - than I would want to believe that I really was that ill. Even though the latter option is the most merciful...and the most true.
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