How Great is Our God in HEBREW,

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Have Mercy on Us

It just occurred to me that tonight is Prayer Meeting.   If I really pushed myself I could get ready for it.  But I am hurting tonight.....and not all of it is physical pain.  Not having "hurt feelings" but "feeling the hurts"....I would be hardpressed to be able to point to a spot on my body and say "This spot doesn't hurt."  Friday is the big day...the day I've been waiting for.  I take my blood test results and I bring them to my rheumatologist. He has the most recent ones.  These were drawn several weeks after I was sent home from the infusion center without having had an infusion because my liver enzymes were too high.  It's an important day because on Friday he will reveal his game plan to me.  Will he give me any more biologic infusions?  Will he give me Otrexup (the injectable super charged Methotrexate injections)??  I really hope he does because, honestly, this pain has me beside myself. I don't know how much more I can take.

So that is one kind of pain.
The Other?

It's the pain of a 25 year marriage that is on its last legs.....If we had the money for a divorce we probably would have already ended it.  I don't know what to say to him.  Except maybe I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for every hurtful word.  I'm sorry for expecting too much from you----more than you were equipped to give.  I would say I'm sorry for all my years of sickness - both physical and mental.  I would say I'm sorry I'm not attractive anymore.Steroids and sickness have stolen my good looks.
I'm sorry that for better and worse in sickness and in health has been "worse" and "sickness"...I know you "owe:" me apologies as well, but right now that is not important to me....I'm sorry you've given up on us. I'm sorry for all the horrible things you think I am.  I'm sorry for disillusioning you.  I'm sorry I'm no longer well enough to cook appetizing dinners.  I'm just sorry.  I've done my best--given it all I had ....but those reserves are running low.

So tonight instead of going to church and praying for others.   I will stay here and pray for myself. My pain. My marriage.  My husband''s health and his pain.  My prayers are silent.  Even in my heart there are no words. I just hold us up to the FAther. 
"FAther, look here.  You are needed here.  We need a touch from your healing hand.  "Jesus, Son of God, Have mercy on us."
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