Face to Face with my Face

Today  I had a bad day....in terms of corralling my appetite. I still have an anorexic brain trapped inside the puffy folds of fat and swelling caused by the steroids. Although I lost weight in the hospital, I still look like the "Stay-Puff" marshmallow man. I had to make a video yesterday...and it is all I can do to look at that image and recognize it as "me."  I also noted a bit of a speech impediment.  Is that somehow from fat? Or did it occur when I had encepala spinal meningitis...where I had a mini stroke by all appearances...Or possibly it could have resulted from the ECT I endured.

Is this swollen monstrosity really my face?  Oh Lord, you have taken a sledge hammer to my vanity. No wonder they call it "Moon face"...since my name in Greek means"Moon"I guess it was just bound to be.

I'm having a hard time today.   Tying my thoughts onto a string for each finger....and finding the slightest wind sends me reeling. I have no anchor today.  Just variable winds blowing me to unknown shores.

I ate terribly today. Not so much unhealthy stuff (although I did have garlic knots and soft serve ice cream....so am not guiltless...Dr Fuhrman says if you are eating the right stuff then quantity doesn't matter so much.I need to keep going back to that book and re-reading it.

Selfdenial.
It sounds tough.And it is tougher even than that.I used to have an iron will when it came to food.  I could deny myself of any possible delicacy.  Now? Not so much..

I am now one of those people who obviously need to lose some serious weight who say "Just one won't hurt"  and then polish off three.

I was just humming a song...and I stopped to listen to the words I was singing. "Great is thy faithfulness O God my FAther. There is no shadow of turning with Thee.  All I have needed they hand hath provided. Great is thy faithfulness Lord unto me.

And the verse where that comes from?'
 Lamentations 3

This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.

²² Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
²³ They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
²⁶ It is good that one should hope and wait quietly 

 For the salvation of the Lord.

Think about that.  No matter how hard we are on ourselves.  No matter how many times we screw up: The Lord's mercies are new EVERY morning. He is not sitting up thee with a clipboard figuring out just have badly I've eaten today. No.  He wants to comfort me..to tell me tomorrow is a new day.. And he wants me to know that I AM NOT what I eat.  I mean in some sense I am.  But not in a critical way.

Lord Jesus, 

You know how much a hate it when I overeat. I know you do not want me to flagellate myself for this failure.  Tomorrow is a new day FULL - jamb packed full of Your love and mercy.Victory over this habit is just around the corner.  And even if I am not victorious immediately,I will beat it.  I will learn to love this puffy face because it belongs to the beloved of the Lord.