Phil Wickham When My Heart is Torn Asunder

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Fearless

I was reading the words of the27 year old son of my friend. This young man has a disease (which name escapes me now) that causes he horrific pain when he eats.And just two weeks ago he was in a car accident and nearly died, sustaining a shattered hip and multiple spinal fractures. His thoughts subsequent to the car accident? He said, "If I can deal with my disease and the pain of these injuries, then basically, I can endure anything." 

We live "in fear" of violence. But you know what? Some bodies sustain violence every minute of every day. I just went through what has been said to be the most painful surgery and recovery that exists.  I was scared going into it, I confess. But I woke up and yeah, it hurts, but it didn't make me succumb to screams of pain.  RAtherI was thinking, "Yeah?  This is it?  Maybe it's the rehab that is so painful."And yes, the rehab was very painful....but it did not throw me. It did not make me shrink back.  I've been through 6 hip dislocations and Ican honestly tell you , that is the worst pain I've experienced...outdoing even a difficult child-birth. 

One thing I have discovered about myself is that with each subsequent pain I am less and less thrown by it. I ask myself...if I were kidnapped by radical Muslims and tortured and beaten....would I buckle? I do not think so. I think I now understand pain. I have learned to endure just about the worst pains possible. And no,I have not experienced the pain of the Roman flogging and crucifixion...and I will not be blasphemous and say that I could endure what He did....because certainly, I cannot; and because He did, I do not have to.

I have a very painful disease.  There is something about the fact that I am never without pain that is especially cruel; especially daunting. But I do not "curse God and die." Rather "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away....blessed be the name of the Lord." And Sometimes, the gift is in the giving --as in having a passel of healthy children and sometimes the curse is in the giving, as in the assignment of painful disease....and then the gift is in the removing --or the pain is in the loss. I have come to understand the pain of the giving. And less understood the pain of the loss.I do not think that the lessons I learned in the behest will apply in the losing.They are very different types of pain. The only pain of loss that I suffer is the absence of a loving husband.That pain has made me hard. calloused and at the same time it hurts with the intensity of being boiled in oil.No. I cannot brag that I have cracked the code of pain.Nor have I defeated chronic severe depression.That is a hell all its own. I did not defeat it...NOR however, did it defeat me. So we are tied.


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