How Great is Our God in HEBREW,

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Pain Pain : here to stay

Right now I'm in the midst of re-assessing pain meds.  I would like to go off of them....I'm sick of explaining myself to people as to the severity of my pain and why I am kowtowing to pain management doctors.  I am tired of explaining my pain.  I am tired of worrying about whether or not my pain meds will be available when I need them in the future.   Is there something inherently more noble in those who refuse pain meds?  Or are they just surfing in on a wave of pain and are they more strong?  Would I really be more independent if I didn't take narcs?  I remember long tearful nights in the days just prior to going on to constant morphine...No sleep. Nothing accomplished in the day.....just getting through one moment at a time.  Is that noble? Or just stupid?  Some people are so much holier than thou if I use pain meds and they don't.  Is suffering when you don't have to, noble?

I'll tell you what.  If I could get rid of my PM guy  I would be very happy. Maybe that alone is benefit enough to warrant a serious detox.  It would make it much clearer as to how well the biologic is working also. I don't need narcs muddying the waters. So yeah..I think I do need to  get off them.  I have an appointment with the PM guy next week.  Do I keep the appointment and tell him my plans?  There was some kind of med he can use to reduce the pain of detox.  I think I will check that out.

Is there something inherently dignified and admirable in suffering? Is there something admirable in refusing tried and true means of reducing pain?  Does it make you a "warrior?"  It DOES give you wrinkles and gray hair. And according to that pain doc whose site I once  read on here...Pain shortens your life. it is a life shortening , life threatening process....It brings on heart disease and wear and tear on all the organs.  I used to be all proud and cocky  about my unmitigated pain...But really.  I think when I'm weighing this out for myself, Pain is not inherently good. Suffering pain is not inherently noble.  So there must be some other motive for quitting the meds. 

I would have to say that just the ability to get rid of one more doctor, can only be a good thing.  It will save me $40 a month....Plus the cost of gas and food.  And too , I need not worry about not having meds available to me in the chaos of the  new healthcare package when every thing becomes a cause for concern and when the same people who seek to take guns out of the arena will also be hell bent on ridding the world of narcotics (even those used for medicinal purposes...) I do not want to have any area of dependency....I do not want to empower ANYONE to make me miserable..  If I'm miserable it will be a misery of my own making....One that I can manage and control.  It's for this reason that I drink decaf coffee..... I do not want anyone to have the power to give me a headache.Therefore. I will not yield to a caffeine addiction. 

With pain drugs however, the picture changes.  It's not because of the limitations put on me by the drug that makes me miserable (although it certainly can)....It is the limitation  of the pain itself that limits me.  So there is a subtle , yet profound difference here.  Where lies your greatest limits?  Is it the pain or the drug to treat the pain that we trip over in our quest for independence?  That question must be answered on a case by case basis.  If it is pain that keeps you bound, then it makes sense to put up with some difficulty and annoyance that being medically dependent on a drug can bring.  If it is your efforts to procure meds that keeps you running in circles and not performing at your best and at odds with your doctors....Then honey, you need to get off those drugs and invest in life.

I am medically dependent on a very powerful narcotic.  However,other than  trying to remember to take it twice a day, I do not think about the drug again until my next dose.  I do not enjoy it. It does NOTHING to me or for me except to make my pain more tolerable.  I am not a junkie.  Or a "user" or a "seeker"  I would be very happy to be rid of this drug...however if it must be then it must be that I take it in order to participate in life on any level whatsoever.

Two things P*** me off.  1) is some organization , law, or mindset that dictates that because I use this drug I am then "a user"....they are using two very different meanings of the same word to make an invalid point.
2)  Some person with chronic pain---whether to a small or great  degree--who thinks that because they forgo the drug, they are somehow more noble than I.  I"ll see your pain and raise you four.  Pain is not a
competition.  It is an unholy hell of a condition that must be dealt with in any manner we can find effective.  The decision about how to fight your personal battle with pain, is a personal one.  And NO one has any right to  comment on your method of war, unless you truly ARE a which case, you belong in a rehab.

I've been to hell and back. I've experienced more pain in the past 30 years than anyone should have to. I've fought with the narcotics...I've fought without  reprieve.  I have had morphine pumps implanted in my abdomen and found even there, that the relief is short lived. Once more I am in a place where i'm reconsidering my tactics....But that is up to me.  And I think that when I arrive at a conclusion...I will not be discussing it with anyone.  It just is nobody's biz.
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