It is Well with my Soul BYU Vocal Point

Monday, July 15, 2013

Bare Walls and White Noise

hi,
I am feeling a bit better now.  My hallucinations are less potent and I'm feeling more clear minded.
I think I'm about ready to begin to go back down on the medicine levels.  But convincing my husband of that will be a big effort.  I have not continued the weight loss I had in the hospital....I'm just floating around the weight I was when I was discharged...okay I'm up about two pounds from that low. Needing to get serious about what I'm putting into my body.  Today I brought a salad with me on our journey to NY and I had that while they ate Wendy's....but on the way home, the thought of a soft serve cone overcame me ...so I indulged in that.  It was DELICIOUS. LOL...Now to get myself back on the ball and stop jumping off!  I have got to re read Dr Fuhrman's books to ramp up my motivation again.  His diet is extreme but I need to get extreme about my commitment again.  Maybe if I make some treats for myself I will be more willing to eat right.  I think I'm going to make a foray into the dessert section of the books.  It's possible to eat something luscious that is still good for me and which won't cause me to fall off the ball.

For the past couple of days I've just sat online all day.  I haven't had the ambition to even sew my bolster pillow I finished knitting together so that I could start making the socks I want to make.  I'm feeling scared to take on something so new and so challenging.  I don't know why I'm stalling.  I was so excited about it previously.  I also bought a sock loom and an instruction book...all this fun stuff!!! Why does it just scare me??

My book is with the agent....and has been for about a year.  I honestly don't think she's gonna read it although we'd made plans to talk after she finishes it.  So then I have to consider self publishing on the Kindle format.  That takes a little work....and I have to decide if I really want to blow all of my privacy right out of the water. I'm not completely sold on that idea.  Of course this blog is pretty much up close and personal....but somehow that is less frightening than is the idea of a book publication.  I don't know.  I think my problem is more a lack of ambition than a reluctance to bare my soul.

What has happened to my drive to write anyway?  These days all I write is this blog and a journal.  I don't think I have much more inside me to say than my book....I don't think of myself as a writer...I think my book is pretty well written but other than my poetry and blog I've got nothing more to say.  I used to write articles and have a lot to say. What happened to that?    I don't know.  My brain is suffering poverty of thought and my speaking has shrunk due to poverty of speech.  And because of that, my writing voice has diminished as well.  Is it possible for someone with Sz to be able to be a writer?  I don't know how we could consistently have something to say.

How do I find topics to cover on this blog?  Well you can see for yourself that I often am threadbare in my topics and conversation here.  I don't know ...all I do know is that I do not think much these days....at least my thoughts are not productive and what I do produce is lacking in bulk; lacking in depth; lacking in substance.  Thanks for continuing to come back and get into my head with me.  I'm sorry there is not often much IN this head of mine...at least nothing much of interest.

Come back again....and I will try to have something of interest to say.  My head is pretty empty...thanks for sticking around to hear the echoes.
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