Yesterday, early, the phone rang. It was my husband...the first thing he said sent shivers down my spine. He said, "I'm okay" which is terrifying because you know there is more coming. No one calls someone just to tell them they are okay unless there is a reason why they shouldn't be. He told me, I'm in the Emergency Room and they are admitting me. Immediately, I knew the reason why. He'd been suffering for days from severe chest pain. (yeah, for days. And YES, I told him to go to the hospital but he had to wait until it became unbearable.)
I had thoughts. I thought of losing him. I thought of his needing a bipass surgery like his mom had (three of them). I thought of both of us being disabled....who would do the laundry, shovel the snow, carry the groceries? I had thoughts of being alone. I had financial worries. And after all of those fearful things passed through my head came a peace. God is in control. Years ago I had told God to do whatever was necessary to make my husband get right with him. And while this event may be part of that process, I don't believe that God would take him from me before his eternal status was settled. Not unless there was no longer any hope of that....and I do not believe that is yet the case.
My daughter said to me through tears, "It must be nice to have that kind of faith." I said, "Yes, it is." but somehow "nice" didn't seem like an appropriate word. It doesn't feel "nice." It is not like I can whistle and skip my way through these deep and dangerous waters. I cannot shut my heart to the suffering of my husband...nor to the thoughts of the future. However. There is peace. It is the "peace that surpasses all understanding " that Scripture talks about.
This morning I was reading a chapter written on the 23rd Psalm. I know the Shepherd is leading me. It is evident that he has led me, led us all, into this dark valley. But even in the darkest of valleys I know I need fear no evil. I have the comfort of the shepherd's rod....which is meant to crush the skull of any enemy predator. Satan does not have free reign here. He would love to take my husband before he is ready...but my Lord's rod will prevent that. And I have the comfort of the staff. The staff is the one the shepherd will use as we his sheep may take a wrong turn and stray from the ordained path. I know that my steps are ordered by the Lord and in these future days as we have decisions to make that staff will guide us and protect us from wrong moves.
So this morning, I have peace. It is not a place of complete comfort but it is a place of safety and harbor. It is the security you can find when you know that the One in charge of all of the events of your life is on your side and will do nothing apart from that position. Even if things get difficult, I know that my needs will all be provided for and so will those of my family. God has done some awesome things in the life of my family...protecting and providing for us....all of us. Because I am his and because the Lord loves my daughter and my husband as much as he loves me and he is committed to do everything possible to get them in to the places in which they need to be in terms of a relationship with him. And he will meet their needs because he has committed to meet mine.
So for now. I wait. I wait for the doctors to make their next move and I wait for our next steps to be revealed. But I wait in the peaceful harbor of God's perfect will. And I know that he goes before me where ever it is that he will lead.