Tuesday, November 20, 2012
What lies Hidden behind our Thanks?
Honestly, I have not been feeling too thankful in the past couple of days. I've been feeling rather desperate. Not quite suicidal but not far enough from it.
I'm not sure why that is. Oddly, last Saturday night I went to our worship and prayer service and I was in agonizing pain. I requested prayer. In the midst of praying for me, the pastor began to firmly rebuke the spirit of Suicide which he felt was messing with me. Oddly, up until that night, I had not once entertained a suicidal thought...but after that night random thoughts have been coming after me. Despair. Hopelessness. Wishing for it all to just end and go away.
I am right now trying to refocus and regroup. My marriage is not in a good spot at the moment....so it is best not to think on that too much. But I can be thankful for my warm home. For electricity, for food. Those are all the expected gratitudes. What are some more unuusual ones....ones that I may have to dig deeper to come up with?
I'm thankful for this blog. I'm thankful for every 30,166th person who has come here to visit in the past four or five years. I'm thankful for the fact that this blog gives some - maybe small - but a very welcome reason for me to stick around. If this blog encourages just one person a day....then that alone is a reason for me to be alive.
I'm thankful that one of my past articles on gratitude has been chosen to be published in a magazine...where hopefully even more people will read it.
I'm thankful for the editor/writer who spent the time necessary to read my book manuscript and to comment on it. I'm thankful for the gift of words that God has given me.
I'm thankful for the technology that allows me to continue to create....voice recognition technology, art tablet technology, and the computer itself....for the internet that allows me to connect to people when otherwise I should have been very very lonely.
I'm grateful for the internet chat buddy of mine who right now lies in the hospital in a fight for her life. Would you please pray with me for this friend? I feel like I simply cannot lose her right now. It would be more than I could take....and yes, it is so much NOT about me. She is not old. Her family relies on her....and she has much more living to do.
I'm grateful for the way the sun hits the barren trees so crisply against the cerulean blue sky outside my window. I'm grateful that my daughter and her man will be with us on Thanksgiving. Grateful for a restaurant so I don't have to cook.
I"m most of all, grateful for a God who is in charge of every challenge we face, who is behind every provision we receive, who is adequate for every problem and need that arises, who is worthy of every word and note of praise we can offer him. I am grateful that he IS and that he is MINE.
Yes I'm struggling a bit this holiday....but I have a God who is so much greater than those struggles, so much larger than my worries.
This Thanksgiving let us offer him our thanks but let us hand over also every concern, every fear. He is willing not only to reign on high and receive our praises but he is loving enough to take our JUNK from us too so that we can truly rejoice and experience our gratitude.
Thank you Lord.