How Great is Our God in HEBREW,

Monday, October 8, 2012

"Quoth the Raven....."

I've been battling with my weight.  I had been exercising daily and today was just hurting too much to talk myself into it.  Is that a defeat?  Or is it a victory to know my limitations and listen to them?  There are both sides of that coin of thought and I encounter them both frequently....There are those who say, "Do not use a cane; you will soon depend on it.:"  "Do not concede to using a wheelchair even if if means giving up going to the mall."  And then there is the line of thought that says, "DO what ever you can whenever you can to maintain independence even if that means relying on a mobility aid.  Which person has won the battle? The one who stays home because he's in too much pain to walk anywhere but consoles himself that he has not succumbed to using help in walking....Or the person who humbly concedes that he needs help and because of that help can go places he would not have been otherwise able to?

It's probably obvious which side I agree with.  However I do not usually use a mobility aid.  Why?
My shoulders hurt too much to use a cane or a standard walker.  I really could use an electric wheelchair however my house is not conducive to such things and neither is my husband willing to put it in the trunk of the car when we go out.  So I teeter along unsteadily on two very very inflamed feet.  I'm thinking of asking for a Rollator walker for my birthday or Christmas.  Those are the snazzy kind with hand brakes wheels, a storage compartment for pocket book, a drink holder and a seat for when you get tired.  I don't know if that will keep me from breaking my nose again when I tumble and smash my face into something.

Face it.
A life with RA or PsA is a life of giving up  You have to give up things one at a time and you have to be more and more creative about what you can hold on to.  Things like driving.  Going to stores by myself, going to Sunday School and then church, painting or drawing using "Analog" materials; and even considering a job where I get paid to do something.  Going places for the weekend...just packing up and going is probably next on this list of "nevermores"  This week I am going to my daughter's....I have to decide whether or not I will bring my bipap and oxygen tank,  The wheelchair is definitely coming.  My daughter is more patient with that than is my husband.  I'm hoping that by using it I will save strength and forestall pain so that I wll be able to do more in the long run.

I have a case manager who has PsA....granted he doesn't have it nearly as badly as I do ...and his mantra is  'if you don't use it; you'll lose it."  That mantra never paid out for me.  I used stuff and STILL lost it.  But that is how he talks himself into going to work every day. I don't know what I would do if I had to go to work every day. Honestly I don't think there is a way in hell that it would be possible.  I just thank the Lord that my husband (thus far) has been willing to provide for me. Most days it's all I can do to shower, wash the dishes, and feed myself and my husband. (and I often don't even do that).  Is it laziness? Nope.  It's inability.  Do I like it?  Not at all.

I've come to the conclusion that you can only do what you can do.  Do it for as long as you can with as much joy as you can muster.  And then the day comes when you must wave it goodbye and add it to the long and growing list of the "nevermores."  Yes. I am sad about those things.  I try not to dwell on them.  I would rather look at the "but I can still.....'s"  I can still feed myself--using special silverware....but nonetheless, can do it. I can still draw on my tablet read on my kindle and type on the computer....although the days of voice activated software are rapidly approaching.  I try to live with open hands.  I accept what God puts into them and I accept what he takes out (or what falls out of them!).  I try to live with Grace....and that precludes temper tantrums. (Although I have been increasingly feeling the need fora good cry to mourn some of those "nevermores").  Along with Job I say daily. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."

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