Friday, March 2, 2012
Standin' in Need of Prayer
Then, I kind of "lost it" and became very psychotic between 2007-2009....And the enemy really used that time of sickness to draw me away from what, I'm sure, was the real reason he attacked me in the first place..: my intensity in prayer. He had many bitter defeats during that period...and he fought back by attacking my family-especially my daughter --and then turned his ire on me. And because I was too sick to really see what was going on...that my mental illness which had been very much under control for so many years was suddenly grossly virulent and active...I was unable to fight and did NOT employ my greatest weapon on my own behalf. I did not pray for myself...for my protection...that God would guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus...I did not pray that the enemy be forbidden to influence my mind. And maybe this was a "Job-test"--and if it was, I can pretty much guarantee that I bombed out of it.
My heart grew cold. My temper was terrible. My language followed suit. I had no patience for anything. And worst of all: my passion and love for Christ waned. And once I had regained control over my mind (relatively speaking)...I recalled the power and passion I once had...and I missed it bitterly. Suddenly I felt unable to pray. Unable to concentrate. Unmoved to pray. And with several notable exceptions--where the Spirit moved in me to pray for someone--I have really struggled to get out more than a few sentences in prayer. I know that God still hears my (shorter) prayers and he doesn't mind or laugh as my brain stammers them out...I know he answers these awkward prayers also. But they do not give me the satisfaction they once did. They do not "rock my world" as they once did when God responded in glorious and supernatural ways.
-So I picked up the book thinking maybe it might jump-start me back to the place of prayerfulness I once occupied....and it has definitely gotten me thinking. For one thing: I'm in a really bad spot right now. I am in desperate need of two shoulder replacements (each arm will be a brutally painful surgery followed by 12 weeks of recovery...the first 6 of which I will be unable to move my shoulder), an elbow surgery, and now, I'm pretty sure: spinal surgery....because every time I stand up, my legs go numb. And if all of that were not bad enough: I really wanted to garden this year. I bought some stuff so that I could maybe manage it. But when I ordered that stuff, it didn't occur to me that I wouldn't be able to do it....that my arms are too far gone for the work of it. I desperately wish I could have the surgeries in the fall and winter of this year..but it doesn't look too likely that I can wait that long...
So this afternoon I DID pray about my own needs. (oddly, this is something I rarely do--beyond asking him to help me when I'm in pain or danger or upset.) And I thought today, "how dumb is it that I have not prayed about this whole situation?" I've been unable to get medical clearance for the surgery....physical problems have been too prevalent. There is HUGE risk with me for these surgeries...with asthma, infection likelihood and post op confusion being a constant issue. I will need lots of help afterward and just do not have the support or help necessary to get this done. I don't know what the answer is: but God does. I don't know when to schedule the surgery : but God does. I don't know who will help me or how ..but--you guessed it--God does. So why not go to Him with these questions ? He's the only one with real answers.