Phil Wickham When My Heart is Torn Asunder

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Please forgive me....

...for this morning's post.

Self pity is a constant threat when one is suffering from chronic illness...especially one that is physically or mentally painful.  This weekend I slid down that slippery slope as depression  and pain had me in their clutches....It tends to skew your perspective and focuses your attention securely on your own navel. (You've heard of navel-gazing, right?? :) )  When a person also is alone 99% of the time, this becomes an even more pernicious predator....against which one must be constantly vigilant...and put it to a resounding and merciless death at its first appearance.

I admit, in this instance, it slipped past my watchful eye.  And I indulged in breathing the sickeningly sweet scent of "Poor Me Land's" air.  And like the cloying smell of ether numbs pain and ones' senses...so this atmosphere of self pity temporarily comforts and assuages the pain of the moment...but carries with it a horrible aftertaste when you realize just what it is you've bitten into. 

To feel sorry for myself is my most feared trap...and one into which it is SO easy to step!  It is numbing.  It is deceptive.  It can be tantalizing.  And it is thoroughly obnoxious.

So  I beg your forgiveness and patience.  I'm still not sure why I became so profoundly depressed over the weekend...but it was brutal.  It was a depth to which I hadn't fallen in several years.  I promise to be tougher with myself in the future.




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