coming undone

(Writer's note: I have the unfortunate reaction to anesthesia of being confused and a bit, well, psychotic, following a major surgery. The following blogs were written while suffering from this reaction, so it is not my typical illness springing up.)

My mind is cloudy; memory dim as I sit here in this hospital room early Saturday morning. My mind is doing its drift by association thing as I try so hard to focus on the sentence I am writing...it wanders from topic to topic and I find myself thinking about the most absurd things--nowhere close to my original intent. I can see now that this will be a hard post to write...

I will try to stick to simple facts and withhold any commentary on them. My hip had dislocated again about two weeks ago, and the surgeon told me that they would do surgery on it at the end of January. Meanwhile I had a horrible, hemorrhage for weeks--a subsequent cancer scare and numerous tests. The doctor put me onto progesterone hormone to manage the bleeding enough for them to be able to operate on my hip. Then I went for presurgical testing for the hip surgery and it was discovered that my always low blood sodium level was critically, life-threatening-ly low.

The result of that was that I was put into the hospital on very concentrated Intravenous solutions of sodium. My mind during this time was not stable either. I've been very confused and prone to hallucinations as l sat and wall-stared for the past number of day as they tried desperately to get my blood to a safe level for surgery (which had been scheduled for this past Tuesday, Feb. 1st.) ...and they accomplished that goal!..

The surgery (a left total hip revision) was accomplished without complication and now I am in rehab...it's my first day here...The morning has not yet dawned ...I arrived at bedtime last night.

My mind during all of this past week has been very very unstable. . I should leave some of the craziness that is coming out of my hands onto this keyboard and you would see hwat I eaka lll ...what I mean. I don't know why this is...Is it the unstalble ....I see images in mmy mind...like a new sdress aind I'm not sure if it is going to fit or olook righ on me as ai stuglge===in the air gesturing with my hands as I try to put it on. The zipper is stuck and I shake myself into reality for a second as I see myseld struggling to pick the very keys off of my computer. I am horrified by this for a minute or two and wonder , am i really heading fro psychosis? But the horror only lasts a moment as my vmind flied itn i and I am putting a valuable necklace into its case.

I'm frightened.

I cannot control my thougtht and rein them in even long enough to get thorough a paragraph..l;;;;;;;;;;;;;;mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,...................my hands rest oin the keys as my mind puruses one line of idiocy after another. and they take breaks to gesture inthe air in response to the things taking place (lad

I've tried to hide my careening mind now for days. and now it is becoming impossible.

what is it with ZIPPERS??? zippers and computer keys

I can't publish this blog. Should I? Should I pull the curtgan away"