Right now, finding myself in a tight spot created by health problems, medications, possible consequences of taking the meds that I do, and God's propensity for enlarging my faith; I find myself going more and more to my knees. (OK, although I LOVE to pray while kneeling, recent advances in my arthritic disease have made that impossible...so I mean it figuratively.) I think that while I wouldn't go so far as to say that, "God made me sick" (even though there are Scriptures from which one could argue even that); I would say that God allowed this current set of circumstances and He is in utter control of them. And I know, from my history in dealing with my Adonai, that the upshot will be another growth spurt in my faith.
So what are the circumstances of which I speak? Well I won't go into all of the "possibilities" or even the likelihoods because I don't want to look negatively at the situation. But even speaking realistically, there are some dangers. For one, my asthma is currently quite bad. This is not only frustrating and dangerous in itself, but also it necessitates that I go back on steroids. Now, steroids and I are not good friends! Not only do they accompany a HOST of negative side effects such as weight gain, swelling and weakness, but they also do two other things which are of most concern right now. They cause my mental state to deteriorate and they cause my white cell count to drop. My white cell count and my immunity is already dangerously low because I'm taking Methotrexate for the Psoriatic Arthritis...so lowering it further is like hanging out a sign "Infections Wanted-apply within" and then taking away my funds which I need to pay the new "employee!"
And there are certain financial repercussions which can occur if I need to go into another psychiatric hospital as well as the probability that I will end up someplace I will not like and very much don't want to be. I can come across quite sanely in my writing, but, for those of you who've spoken to me since I've come you from the hospital, you will note that I am far from myself. To lose more ground would be devastating both to my family and me.
There is also a situation with my daughter, which although probably harmless, has the potential of being frightening.... But we will likely not know what way it will go until later next week.
So, today when my mind was swirling around these potentialities like a flushing toilet (please excuse the simile), there came to mind a devotional article which I get via email in daily installments. Today's devotion was by Eddie Jones and he said in reference to Psalm 23 that "the shadow of death" was really not death itself but the fears caused by the circumstances around death. Like "will I be abandoned and alone?" or "will there be a lot of pain?" He said that when that time actually DOES come, we will likely find it much easier to deal with then we did with all the fears prior. Satan does that, you know. He loves to taunt us with possibilities, blowing them all out of proportion, showing us scenes from the worst possible scenarios until we scream for mercy.
So this time, I'm beating him to the punch. I'm closing the door on the imaginations and am already screaming to my Father for His mercy. Because it's pointless to scream at Satan; he has no mercy! Please join me in my prayers for my family and myself. Pray especially for my husband who was already at the breaking point from stress BEFORE all this happened in the past two days.