Trying to describe where I’m at right now and the word that comes to mind is: collision. Faith colliding with insanity. Me colliding with my family. My efforts to stay afloat in the dead sea of despondancy colliding with a tornadic storm of despair. I’ve been dead as far as creativity goes. For some reason my creativity thrives on suffering and even madness. At least it will for a brief time and then I will become too ill to have ANYTHING thrive in me but paranoia and hallucinations and the rage and fear that always comes with that.
I hesitate to publish these admissions…because I had hoped and do want to be a source of encouragement to others…and to admit that I’ve seriously considered some of the things that these malicious voices are commanding me could prove a bit discouraging. I know it discourages me.
Right now my earphones to my Zune mp3 are in my ears blaring music at FULL volume trying to drown out the other cacophany which STILL manages to supercede this volume of music. I have lost a lot of my hearing due to nerve damage after my recent bout of meningitis but have even more seriously destroyed it with this kind of thing. Can a person lose their hearing from the volume of the Voices? Good question…if so I will pray for deafness because maybe then it will finally be quiet.