Phil Wickham When My Heart is Torn Asunder

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Catching Up

I have not posted in a while...I honestly have not had a minute to sit down and do so...Right now it is 4:19 a.m. and this seems to be the only time of day unoccupied with cooking, appointments and cleaning dishes! I am hoping that things will calm down after my daughter returns to school tomorrow...At least there will be a chunk of time when I can catch up on doing my laundry!

I do not mean to give the impression that I am not glad that she's home! It has been great to see her and to watch her trying so hard to implement what she's learned at the center for eating disorders. She seems to be much more in tune with herself emotionally (and as we all probably know, that is not always an easy or enjoyable thing to be) and she is also sharing with us a little more of what is going on in her head.

For me, the whole adjustment has been quite big and a little strange. Due to my illness mostly, and secondly due to the fact that earlier, no one in this family communicated or had much of an appetite for sit-down meals around the kitchen table; I had not had to play the role of wife and mother much at all in a long time. The family therapy has made some difference in the ways that we relate to one another, so all of that has changed since my daughter came home. For a number of years I had also been too sick for anyone to ask me to cook or to clean and seriously expect much of a response from me.

So now, I have been plunged headfirst into the roles of motherhood and wife and while it is good, it is also scary. My daughter and my husband need me right now, desperately. It would be a disaster should I have another period of decompensation and require another hospitalization--at least right now. So I find myself clinging desperately to my precarious sanity and praying every moment for God to give me grace and strength and to hold me together emotionally and mentally...and physically.

Regarding the last area, my physical well-being, I just found out from my rheumatologist during my last visit, that a hip replacement is imminent. This was no great surprise; pain has been steadily increasing and it has been harder and harder to get around. I've recently begun again my yoga practice to try to forestall this eventuality. This, added to the pain I have in my hands, feet, and spine, has made it difficult to function, but in the past couple of days, there has not even been time to sit or to lie down to alleviate any of this.

I know that many of you are already doing this, but please continue to pray for my family and me. As my friend told me (she has already gone through all of this re-adjustment after her daughter was hospitalized for the same reason), "Now the real work begins."
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